Little Miss Out

Gone

Akala ko hindi ko na muli pang bubuksan ang mga pahinang ito. Unti-unti na sana akong nakakausad, kaunting panahon na lang sana pero bakit nagkaganito?

Tanggap ko na sana na hindi ka nagpaparamdam, kasi kahit papaano, alam kong narito ka lang. Kung gugustuhin ko, maaari kitang makita. Pero bakit umalis ka? Bakit ngayon ka pa umalis? At ang masakit doon, ni hindi ka man lang nagpaalam.

Kahit ipilit ko pa ang konsepto ng mga pinag-aralan ko para lamang wala akong maramdaman, nangingibabaw pa rin ang hinanakit ko. Simple lang, hindi ba? Wala ka na talagang pakialam. Bilang tao, bilang isang babaeng nagmahal at nakihati sa atensyon mo, pakiwari ko’y niyanig ang mundo ko. Ang sakit-sakit na nga sa puso, dinamay pa ang pride ko.

Buong araw akong nagninilay, nakatitig sa kisame o di kaya’y sa telepono sa paghihintay ng mensahe mo. Gusto kong umiyak pero namanhid na yata ang buong katawan ko. Isip ko na lang ang gumagana, sinisikap na sarilinin na lang ang sakit upang hindi tuluyang mawasak ang puso ko. Pero makalipas ang ilang oras, nabigo ito.

Hindi ko matandaan kung kailan ako huling humagulgol nang ganito — walang pakialam kung mukha akong baliw at kung may nakakarinig sa akin. Basta ang alam ko, ikaw rin ang dahilan niyon. Malaya kong dinamdam ang agos ng luha sa aking pisngi — hanggang sa kusa itong huminto. Sa puntong ito, nanaig na ulit ang aking isipan. Isa lang ang sinasabi niya — walang ibang magpupunas ng luha ko, at walang ibang mag-aalaga sa akin kung hindi ang sarili ko. Balik-umpisa. Mag-isa na lang ulit ako.

Alam ko naman na hindi kita dapat asahan, na wala tayong patutunguhan. Pero ang sakit lang kasi. Malaking hakbang na sa akin na tanggaping ni minsan hindi mo ako minahal, pero hindi naman na siguro kailangan isampal pa sa akin ang katotohanang iyon. Hindi ba sobra-sobra na?

Sana makatulog ako nang mahimbing ngayong gabi. At sa mga susunod pang mga gabi. Ayokong maalala na pinili mong maglaho sa ganitong paraan. Ayoko nang isipin ka pa.

♥

Goodbye

Quite late but, happy anniversary, littlemissout. You’re more than a year old. I hope you’ve learned better and have grown a little wiser. Last year, at about the same days as these, you were in a state of euphoria, confusion, love. It may not be the same at present, but it’s not any worse. In fact, this may be the best situation you’ve been in. Remember, you’ve wished once to “… no longer need to keep happiness to myself alone.”

Stop looking back - no one’s out there. No one’s waiting for you, or wishing you were there. Just walk straight and farther away. Quietly, peacefully. You’ll get somewhere somehow, and it will be beautiful.

bittersweet, no - just bitter

i’m tempted to say how dare you but for what? i wanted everything, why blame you in the end? i’m also figuring out. but the fight to breathe has gone intense now that i need this space.

yes, i’m not okay. finally, i can say i’m not, but not the miserable kind of not being okay. i’m just hurt, you know. so much hurt that i cannot convince myself that you ever loved me really. well till the end, you kept denying it was love, anyway. but i discovered a conversation file with you being too passionate about us, and now i’m wondering how did we turn from there to how we are today? i mean, of course i’m not expecting any romance but let me remind you, you said you wanted to be friends, right? and we were damn good friends before. where did that go? am i demoted to a total stranger now? why not block me on your social accounts then? just so you’re done with the ultimate i’ve-forgotten-you-now-forget-about-me-too-and-stop-meddling-with-my-life-stage and complete my agony?

ah yes, i hate myself for being this kind of mess. and while you’re busy being the “good” figure that you so want to portray, i’m here trying to be awesome, too. just so i won’t be too much of a loser. why didn’t you choose me, by the way? why couldn’t you just be with me?

brand new year. i guess i’ll forget you then. no, let me forget and forgive you.

welcome 2013.

Page Turned, but Not Closed

I guess I was expecting for a little care. And it’s too disappointing to not get it as I used to. I mean, you would always see to it that I was fine, that I wasn’t worrying for nothing. But now, it has changed. Big time. You couldn’t stop thinking about me, you said - but it seems that was only for a week after you left. You barely communicate now. It just hurts to realize you’ve moved on too fast while I’m still here floating. Not that I’m wallowing in tears - I’m good, really. But I can’t deny that you’ve dug a void in my system that I’m still filling in. And it doesn’t help that I couldn’t even recognize you from the person who I had myself giving in to completely.

You’ve been consistent in telling me how kind and brave a soul I am, and I agree with that. Perhaps that’s the reason why I keep trying to respect your space. Because in the end, I know - while you go about your normal life with the thought of fighting for me at the farthest end of your mind, if it’s even there in the first place - I could stand on my own and love you till I would without taking you away from anyone. And as I have stated once upon a time out of a prior madness: “This is how I love. This much, I can love.”

——————

*Written 2012.09.23 - Thoughts in my plane, waiting for nothing, superseded by the landscape and art that is France’s countryside… Hit me hard, how I could be too self-focused while the world unfolds itself - awaiting for me to take notice :(

love story

Sometimes it’s just too difficult to capture feelings into words, not because I run out of literature but mostly because it’s too scary to read what I’d come to write about.

Like this hurt - because I’m honestly wondering where I stand when in fact I knew from the start I didn’t have any spot in the first place.

Like this love - which I’m not supposed to feel yet regardless of my denial it shows and I just couldn’t escape it.

Like this longing - I shouldn’t miss you but I do and I wish you would hold me again like you did before…

I should be hating myself but I’m lost in the drama and idea of you and me.

—- written Mar 31, 2012 —-

Another Litany

Just thinking about you and the thought that you don’t care anymore pains me the most. Yes, you’re so good at leaving when things get uncomfortable. And how can I blame you when I do the same? The only difference? I fight for who I love - I’ve done that quite a few times. But then again, maybe you never really loved me at all. I was just one of those who passed by and you’ve had fun with, no more or less. And I was a fool for expecting too much… Why I love you, I can’t explain. I just do, and it’s something I have to deal with until I get over you. Too bad I have to see you everyday. But I expect to handle this quite fine. I can do this, I can live without you. I know I deserve what I want and if you can’t give me that, I might as well choose what’s best for me and move on. You’ll see, I’ll forget this feeling one day and you’ll be just one of those lessons I’ve had out of loving too much.

—- written Jul 02, 2012 —-

maybe

I wonder what’s going on in your mind. I wonder if you think of me at night. I wonder if you feel the same, or if it’s just me.

I wonder what happened… We used to talk so much, but you’ve changed. I wonder if it’s you silent way of saying goodbye…

Yeah, perhaps, it is. :(

caught in between

I just don’t feel loved anymore. And this makes me think whether you’re all worth it. Well, you never promised anything, anyway. And that sucks even worse.

Did you ever really love me? Or am I right to conclude it’s only a temporary affection, an adrenaline rush that quickly fades when all is said and done?

Cheers for our happiness - together or not.